Recurrent Miscarriage – The Truth

This is a post by my beautiful friend, Sange. A woman with a warm heart, so full of love, and yet Mother Nature has dealt her a duff hand so far. I hope and pray her experiences to date have just been sent to try her; she deserves so much more. I’m very grateful to her for sharing her experience so candidly, when I know it’s been hard to do. She’s so right in her bravery, awe-inspiring as it is – miscarriage isn’t a taboo and should be discussed, don’t you agree? 

Our story isn’t unusual. It’s very ordinary, really. How many of us spend our 20’s and early 30’s with unsuitable relationships, drinking and having fun? There were long term relationships. But I never felt broody. Children happened to other people, not to me and that was the way I wanted it.

A change occurred when I was 38. I married my husband after six years together; he pressed my procreation button – I don’t know if this is because he truly wants what is best for me and would support me whatever I chose to do. He knows I would do the same for him. I feel safe; gathered in.  Perhaps I needed to feel this first. Because getting pregnant is easy, right?

We did conceive quickly, after a couple of months. We felt so fortunate as some aren’t so lucky – H was beaming at the sight of the positive test and I was nervous and panicked at the same time. I also had an overwhelming urge to stand still which I cannot account for; like if I moved around too much I could harm my little passenger. It very quickly descended into a whirl of midwife appointments, room planning and all day sickness. And whoever thought first trimester tiredness was a good idea is having some sort of laugh!

Our families had been told at this early stage as I had to tell work immediately on the advice of my GP, due to being in a high-risk occupation. It felt wrong to tell my employer and not family, so we attended the first scan appointment with all the good wished of our families and excited requests for a first picture of baby. I leapt up when our names were called and was ushered into the darkened room – a hush descended as the gel was applied to my abdomen and I held my breath. H holding my hand, staring at the TV screen. Not breathing. Bursting for a wee. No, I don’t know what I’m looking at, this is my first pregnancy. Hmmmmm, it’s dark in there. Come on, where is it? I know it’s small, it’s only 12 weeks old. Yes, I’m sure of my dates, I keep accurate records. Oh, you mean too small. Not viable? You’re sorry? Sorry about what? Oh, it’s not viable……

Miscarriage | MMC | Recurrent miscarriage | Riding the Stork, a UK mummy and baby blog

Image by the incredible Paula Knight

It took a while for the penny to drop. I was looking at my empty womb, with a little blob to one side; our baby, which had stopped growing at approximately six weeks. I had to have an internal scan but it didn’t change anything. I felt like I’d had my brain emptied out of my head. I couldn’t answer the most simple questions – I had been struck dumb. H had to help me to the side room; my legs had stopped supporting me. The midwife said that the sickness was a sign of a strong baby. Then she told me that it had already died. Even my body had lied to me; it thought I was still pregnant as I was still being sick every day.

A missed (or silent) miscarriage. Very common, apparently; the unit I was in had one or two a day. My baby had died but my body had carried it for a further six weeks; I elected to have an SMM (Surgical management of miscarriage; the new name for ERPC) as I just wanted it out. I felt betrayed by my body, and desperately, emptily sad. I’d let my H down, I mean how hard is it? To stay pregnant? I didn’t have to actually do anything and still cocked it up.

And so the thoughts go on, for months. And the tears. I’d forgotten what I looked like without red, puffy eyes. Lots of support from internet weirdy friends, lots of pity and ‘helpful’ suggestions in real life. But one thing was clear, it wasn’t going to happen again, we’d had our bit of bad luck, so we focussed on the future and trying again. And we were lucky to conceive again. And I felt dread, but clung to what the hospital had said – “extremely unlikely”.

Except they lied too – the second time we found out at an eight week scan I had as I was so anxious, and still being sick regularly. This was an internal scan at the EPU, and baby was measured a lot. It was inconclusive, the nurse said; could I come back in a week to check for growth. I knew there was no point, but I had nothing left. I have never felt so empty as I did for that week. Still working, going through the motions, but not there. Needless to say that there was no growth, so again a decision needed to be made; I opted for a pessary-induced miscarriage at home.  And we carried on. Like you do, as your world has stopped turning briefly, so everyone around you carries on.

We somehow conceived for a third time some months later, but in a final show of Mother Nature being the boss, we lost it naturally at six weeks. Afterwards, I felt a pain that I cannot adequately describe to you. My heart has been broken and no matter whether we have children or not, it will be scarred. We’re learning to live with it now – I’ve had a lot of counselling, but still have bad days when someone puts a scan picture up on Facebook or proclaims how great it is to be a mother. I’ve hidden a lot of people on there to protect myself. Not in a malicious way – I wish them all of the joy in the world, but they’ve been lucky and you’ve got empty arms and a wound that won’t heal.

Perhaps we’ll get a chance, perhaps we won’t. We’ve begun investigations at the hospital, but I’m realistic; I’m now 41. I’m too old for IVF and similar procedures on the NHS – we can’t afford private care. Too old for adoption. Well and truly missed the boat. Hopefully we can be happy as a little family of two – H seems to think so and I agree with him. Here’s to us and our little family of two.

 

 

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46 thoughts on “Recurrent Miscarriage – The Truth

  1. This is a very raw and honest account Sange. It must have taken a lot of strength to write about your losses.

    I do hope the boat hasn’t sailed yet and your body may surprise you and your husband one day.

  2. You know how strong I think you are, Sange. Life is very unfair sometimes. You have such a wise head on your shoulders though. You and your husband will have an amazing life with your family of two if you need to. xxx

  3. This is such a heartbreaking story but it sounds like you are handling it with so much grace. I think it is incredibly brave of you to talk about your experiences and I hope it encourages more people to open up about their losses because it can feel so isolating.

    I hope wherever the future finds you, it finds you happy.

  4. Wow Sange, I am writing this through tear filled eyes. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy that you have a wonderful Husband who has supported you. You are a rock together and you can conquer anything after what you have been through. The most important thing is that you have each other. Always. x

  5. You have written this in such a way I really get it now. Your feelings and how hard it must be to carry on and see others around you sharing their joy. Thanks for sharing your story. Your husband sounds amazing and I wish you both every happiness x

  6. Sange, I don’t know what to say as I have never been through this. Thank you for sharing, you are a strong and optimistic woman and I admire you greatly.
    I wish you and your family of two all the luck in the world xxx

  7. Sange, this was such an honest account of such a tough period of your life, I wish you all the best, and maybe one day things will be different.

    xx

  8. Oh Sange, what an incredibly strong person you are. This heartfelt and honest account has brought tears to my eyes. I hope and wish that one day, your body surprises you – but if it doesn’t, I feel quite sure that your amazing family of two will be just fine. xxx

  9. A very honest and heartbreaking story Sange, thank you for sharing. I’m truly sorry for your losses and wish you all the luck in the world for your family of 2, I hope it becomes 3 xxx

  10. Wow, thank you for all of these replies! You’ve all been really kind. It just needs talking about-I’ve never felt so alone as I felt in the weeks after the miscarriages. You can’t talk as no-one wants to listen. The tension is palpable if miscarriage is mentioned. It needs to stop. We haven’t done anything wrong, it’s not embarrasing. We’ve had a bereavement. It’s as simple, and difficult, as that.
    It’s also very common. If you hear someone has had a miscarriage, talk to them. Just a simple ‘I’m so sorry’ will be enough. They may cry; that’s cool, they’re greiving.

    Thank you all again. I just thought it might help someone. xxxx

    • Certainly of great help Sange, thank-you…
      Until I had been through mis-carriage myself, I too struggled to understand how people got so upset following an m’c…
      Sadly there is still alot of stigma associated around the subject, but hopefully through open accounts from people like yourself the stigma will begin to lift…

    • This was so eloquently written and humbling to read. Thank you for writing it. One of my best friends has had three miscarriages now – for the first one we cried together in a cafe, the second I hugged her like I’d never let her go and for the third she couldn’t bear to leave the house or even talk to me on the phone. It was hard for me but it was more important that she got the space she needed than I satisfied my desire to be with her. I am so sorry you felt alone and I am sorry for your losses xxx

  11. Beautifully written and very moving. I’m so sorry for your 3 losses. I hope that your future is a happy and fulfilled one whatever it holds.

  12. Sange, well done for writing it down. I also had 3 miscarriages on the bounce and I am still unsure of how I got through every day with a raw grief that wouldn’t go away. I too spoke openly about it, but generally with those that weren’t close to me, as they didn’t know how to react. One good friend had the courage to say she didn’t know how to deal with their friend, once happy and smiley, who had become so sad. I discovered I had Ashermans syndrome and was able to be treated and have IVF. We were lucky and I hope you can be too. You are not too old for adoption at all. Some very good friends of mine (two sets in fact) have adopted beautiful 2 and 3 year old’s respectively and are amazingly happy. Try to thnk of this as a journey you need to take and keep walking. Hopefully you will get to where you are meant to be. With much warmth. Rebecca

  13. Well done Sange, it’s good to see honest writing like this, but I’m so very sad for you deserving ladies out there who havr hsd such an unfair hand dealt. Hoping it will happen one day, but great to know your family will still be full of much love if it remains as a twosome x

  14. So sorry to read your story Sange but to echo what others have said you are defnately not too old to adopt. My parents friends adopted two years ago and they are both in their late fifties x

  15. So heartbreaking but beautifully written, you are so brave xx I have experienced loss and it is very lonely the weeks after as everybody else feels that was it, lost on that day and therefore the end…and they presume you can just ‘try again’ its not that easy and impossible to not remember every important day and date forever more~I’m glad you have a supportive husband and I hope and wish so much that your wishes come true

    Much love x

  16. I meant to add my aunt and uncle adopted and they were at the birth if their daughter 2 weeks before my aunts 50th birthday!if you want me to put you In touch with them Sarah has my email address an i k ow they would be more than happy to talk/email xx

  17. Hunni, I had 3 mc’s trying to get my daughter who is now almost 1. I’ve been where u are. I did the missed mc, I did a natural and I had an ercp. I cut all the ‘rubbish’ from my diet. Caffeine went, water a plenty became the new norm, I took baby aspirin for 2 years even tho it cause stomach bleeds (this is rare btw) and I was finally blessed with my darling daughter at the ripe old age of 40!! My friend (i met her through a loss group) similar story had her rainbow baby in October at 46!! There is still time for u and I hope and pray you get your hearts desire as we did as after going thru hell there’s nothing like a little piece of rainbow heaven!

  18. Sange

    Reading your story has been the exact mirror to what happened to me. I too had 3 miscarraiges , 1 natural and 2 missed ones which required the same treatment as yourself. I felt a failure as a woman to not be able to do something so natural. I went on to have tests to be told there was no medical reason for it to happen and that should i get pregnant again they would try giving me a hormone injection which works for some women. I got pregnant 2 months later had the hcg injection weekly for 12 weeks then carried my baby girl full term. Shes 2 now. I just wanted to say dont give up hope and i wish you and your husband all the best for the future.

  19. Thank you again for all of your lovely words. We’ve begun investigations at the hospital and have a couple of appointments this month. I’m usually such a positive, find the silver-lining sort of person, but in this situation all I can do is try to hope without pinning all hope on it, if you get me. I’m so sorry to all of you who have gone through similar. It helped me greatly to know I wasn’t alone. I’d never considered writing about it before, but with Sarah’s encouragement I did it!

  20. This brought back a lot of sad memories for me. I suffered 4 miscarriages. It was a very hard time for my husband and I. We decided to keep trying and we now have 2 boys and a wee girl. It certainly wasn’t an easy time but we got there in the end. Hope things work out for you.

  21. Sange is a friend of mine through work, and has had to be such a strong, strong woman. She is a wonderful, caring person, and it breaks my heart that someone can suffer the loss 3 times. It takes an incredibly brave person to talk about something like this, and I agree with you Sange that hopefully this may help someone else. Never give up hope, and explore every avenue. Love to you both x

  22. I know this pain all too well. i’ve just lost my 4th baby in a row, the third to die in the 12th week of gestation. Just had my third ERPC on Tuesday. Had all the recurrent miscarriage testing available;apparently i’m ‘normal’. But i’m not normal, my babies develop normally until 11 weeks and a few days and then they just die. I’ve had the clexane, aspirin, folic acid, progesterone combo. It works for so many, but not me. Noone can tell me what is going on. I have no baby and no asnswers. Yet hope springs eternal. I must live in hope. And so must you.

  23. Im so sorry for your loss. I’ve had seven pregnancies, three miscarriages, followed by a prem little boy at 24 weeks who died after a week. I then had two more miscarriages and eventually found a clinic at age 38 who diagnosed me with elevated killer cells and implantation issues. I had intralipids, progesterone, heparin , predisnilone and carried twins for 28 weeks. However, my daughter had iugr and had to be delivered at 28 weeks. I lost her a few weeks later but my son survived. It has been a rocky road, but we are so happy we persisted. I wrote about it all (six years!) on my blog- bachelorsbutton.wordpress.com. Keep strong. It could happen for you. Xx

  24. Sange, such a beautifully honest piece. I, like most, had tears in my eyes. You’re such a strong person. I really hope, with all my heart, that it happens for you both. xx

  25. Sange, thank you, lovely lady, for speaking of the unspeakable. You were so lovely to me when I went through the same thing (only the once, and it nearly broke me). I wish life wasn’t so mean and that you didn’t have to write it though. I have tears, for your lost babies and mine too xx

  26. Bless you. I can’t tell you that it will all be alright, or how it will end. I still shake myself now that I actually have two children at home (#4 and #9). I just wish you strength together, because that’s the heart fo whatever comes after xxx

  27. Thank you for writing this! I know how you feel about the Facebook thing! I have hidden several people because it is just too hard to see others having babies with such ease. They have their first, then second and several now their third! Wow! I still can’t have 1. I’ve experienced my 10th miscarriage and a diagnosis of a “natural T-Shaped uterus” and still have never had a child. The thought of attempting our last ditch effort (assisted with hormones that really isn’t my issue) just to see if it might help…sends me into panic mode and anxiety.
    It is really hard to experience so much loss personally, but where an outwardly visible trauma would be recognized by strangers when you first meet, this is not. I walk around looking normal, albeit a bit withdrawn now. There is no way to forever avoid the questions of : “Oh do you have kids?” and the follow up “Do you want to have kids?” I’ve gotten so annoyed that I’ve started telling the truth and it feels good to be so matter of fact about it too. “No, I can’t!” My body doesn’t work!

    I wish you the best. I hope for all of us that have gone through this that we get to a place of acceptance or peace. I’m just not sure how to do that just yet.

  28. So sorry Sange, my heart really goes out to you. I have suffered two miscarriages myself – one natural and one missed and I have to say this was the hardest time of my life. I can still remember those words telling me my baby had died at an early scan – I screamed, I cried, I felt sick, I thought my heart was going to tear in two ..

    Fortunately for me my story has a happy ending and I am now blessed with two boys – I had my first at 38 (conceived naturally, now 7 years old) and my second at 45 (conceived with help after 4 years of trying, now 7 months old).

    Do not give up Sange – dreams can come true. I was 44 when I conceived against the odds with my second son. It was not an easy road but we got there in the end. I did lots of research into getting pregnant in your 40′s and would be happy to chat to you about it (either virtually or in person).

    Take care and stay strong. Xx

  29. God makes miracles and he makes them more than ONCE. I can feel your pain over and over and over and over and over- there that was me and my hubby- 5 recurrent miscarriages- yes- all in a row- test after test after test- must of been bad luck- seriously have could lighting have struck us 5 times in a row- try again-could we- what would people think- when is she going to stop getting pregnant for nothing-the hurt-the pain- and i know this is going to hurt but im here to tell my story- to give hope to someone-whom i dont know- just wanting to reach out to somone b/c ive been there and there was no one to talk to -no one who felt your pain- and then i realized- when times are hard- GOD was reaching out to me-he wanted to draw me nearer to him- closer to him- and he did-then i started griveing for the babies and kids who were in the adoption facilities- how could someone not want them- they needed someone to love-every child needs someone who loves them and that was going to be ME- i wanted one…but my hubby wasnt on board-how could he not be- we wanted a baby and we couldnt have one….and then i got pregnant a 6th time…it wasnt looking good- blood-i was already griveing again and telling my parents-how could i be so stupid- but i just knew GOD DOESNT GIVE UP ON ME-WHY SHOULD I GIVE UP ON HIM- I TRUSTED HIM AND I TRUSTED HE KNEW MY HEART WANTED A BABY SO BADLY….and just like that…things turned around…we now have 3 babies..one is 4years old, one is 3 years old and our newest baby is 5 months old…ASK GOD…what is he trying to tell you….he is trying to draw you nearer to him…find out why-keep asking him until you know what it is…..i hope you dont give up….tcogbill at live dot com

  30. Having read the above and all the brave comments from all the ladies above, I felt compelled to write in case it is of any help.
    I can wholly emphasise with your story and the other ladies stories about recurrent miscarriage, having had five in a row. It affects every relationship and every aspect if your life. My heart broke five times over and I know it’ll never be quite the same. We were referred to a consultant after the third mc and our turning point came after the fourth when we were referred to st Mary’s hospital in London where they diagnosed me as being factor v Leiden. For my sixth pregnancy I injected heparin and took a low dose aspirin for the majority of the pregnancy. I now have a eight month old girl, who I adore and appreciate so so very much. If you can keep going, keep going. I know how hard it is but if you can try to get any help available and do whatever it takes to stay sane. If I can be of any help to anyone, do let me know. Love to anyone going through it, I know it can feel incredibly lonely.

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